Facing the demon
I have been forced to confront my parents’ mortality and found I am not prepared to look that demon in the face.
My Aunt L and Uncle L are gravely ill. I knew that they both weren’t in good health, but didn’t realize until recently just how bad it was. They are now under hospice care and from what my cousin tells me, they’re not long with us. My Aunt L is my father’s sister and a mere year older.
While I wasn’t close to L&L ~ we never lived near each other, they in Michigan and California, me in Tennessee and Florida ~ I do have very vivid memories of them. They were both larger than life and the times we could visit together stick in my mind.
When I was very young, I was terrified of my Uncle L. He was loud and gregarious ~ your typical Yankee. I was being raised by a genteel Southern Lady and not accustomed to that sort of behavior.
This photo of my brother and me has since become a favorite of mine. It aptly symbolizes the relationship my one and only sibling and I have. In it I’m not trying to escape from him, but rather the photographer ~ Uncle L.
I continued to be afraid of L until I had reached double digits. I can remember us all visiting my grandparents one Christmas in Ohio and thinking, after being around him for a while, ‘he’s not so scary. In fact, he’s funny as hell.’
What can I say about Aunt L… I think the best description is that she is one ‘tough ol’ broad.’ It’s a good thing she was related, I would hate to have her mad at me. I remember that she and my dad were so much alike.
The very idea that they will not be around, even on the fringes, is more than a little bizarre to me.
Both L&L are of the same age as my parents. My Dad had triple by-pass surgery a couple years ago and has type 2 diabetes. My Mom was also recently diagnosed with diabetes and has battled high blood pressure for years. I can’t help thinking, but for the grace of God, go my parents.
All of my grandparents have passed away, as have most of my great-aunts and -uncles. These older relatives we expected. Each had lived a long life, some well into their 80s and 90s. They were of my grandparents’ generation, not my parents’.
Two of my parents’ siblings have also died, too young and struck down by cancer. My Uncle J and Aunt S were still in their 40s and 50s. It’s hard to explain, but their passing didn’t make me uneasy about my parents. It was more like the cancer was a thief and not a harbinger of time passing.
But this, the inevitable passing of L&L, has me thinking more about my parents and their vulnerability. They are both quickly approaching their 70s, not in the greatest health, and now I am scared. This is the first time, even when my dad had his heart surgery, that I’ve thought about my parents not always being with me. I’ve also realized that I’m not going to handle that eventuality well.
I’m just not ready to face that truth, that my parents are not living forever. That one day I can’t simply pick up a phone and talk with them.
I have left nothing unsaid to them. We’ve made what peace was needed years ago. I know that they both have a strong faith and don’t fear death. But, me? I cannot even bring myself to think about this possibility, this natural occurance.
I am just not ready for this.
(Cuz… You are all in my prayers.)
It is so difficult to come to terms with our parents getting older. I never use to worry about them, but now I do…I can see them getting older…and it is hard. We have to live in the day and celebrate the time we do have together…thank you for sharing. I wish your aunt and uncle, and your entire family well, may the final time be one blessed with love, family and happiness.
[Tara R.] Laura… thanks, I’m glad my cousin is with his parents and has the opportunity to stay with them for a long time, if needed. This just really brought home that my own parents are getting older and I’ve never really addressed that before.
hi TARa,
man those posts by M really got to me and made me choke up. blessings, beany
[Tara R.] Beany… M is a good son, and I’m glad he is going to be with them. Thanks, sweetie.
Yup. I know the feeling. One grandfather is still alive, and my parents are, what I consider, young. But my dad was recently diagnosed with an aggressive prostate cancer. It was hard for me to even envision life without him, and we aren’t particularly close. It’s just, he’s DAD, always there. Thankfully, his cancer is treatable. So I have but off thinking these things. But it’s the first chink in the armor.
[Tara R.] Nola… I just never thought about my parents getting old, older yes, but never OLD. This is hitting too close to home.
I think it is one of the hardest things about getting older. My dad was in the ICU in December and all four of us girls were sitting in the waiting room trying to make decisions, and it was like we were all waiting for the grownups to get there. And then we all realized at the same time that we are now, in fact, the grownups. It is one of the scariest things in the world to realize that our parents, however loved or not loved, are going to DIE. Because for me, that means at some point (with hope, later rather than sooner), my KIDS are going to have to go through this. Very sobering, and a big part of why I am going to stop smoking; I want my kids to go through this WAY later, you know? My thoughts are with you, as always.
[Tara R.] Kori… I thought that when I graduated from college, or got married, had kids, all these milestones were all going to make me feel like a grown up. But, this, your right, this idea that one day we will be the surviving generation is really jarring. I simply cannot imagine what my cousins and their families are going through right now.
I completely understand you. My Dad’s in his 70’s & my mom in her 60s. This is something I’ve felt for a good 5 years now. There’s not a time I don’t see my Dad & think, I’d better hug him, talk to him, take soak him in because it may be the last time we’re together. He’s had open heart surgery & several stints and that sort of thing for heart disease…the truth is none of us know how long we’re going to be here. It’s wonderful that you love your family to the fullest. The whole circle of life is kind of mind blowing to me. When it bothers me, I just rely on the fact that God wont leave me without the strength and grace to make it through anything I face in life. Life is hard, but God is good!
[Tara R.] Birdie… I know exactly what you mean. I joke to my parents that they aren’t getting older, but I’m catching up. But, everytime I see them I’m reminded how much older they both are getting.
It was this past December that I came face to face with mortality when my Grandfather passed. I was privileged enough to have all 4 of my grandparents for over thirty years – I still cannot believe he is gone.
My father turns 60 this year, and it makes me realize how fast time is flying…
All my prayers and hugs for you and your family!
[Tara R.] Mama… Thanks! I was also fortunate in that I had all of my grandparents for many years. My children were able to know my maternal grandparents. There for awhile time just sort of slowed down, now it’s like it is going at warp speed.
Now this is a subject I cannot even think about without tearing up. My mother is my life.. I literally call and speak to her about two times a day. I remember the pain of my grandfather passing and that memory alone is enough to paralyze me in fear when it will be my mothers time.
Hugs and prayers for your family T.
[Tara R.] Kim… I’m about 10-12 hours away from both of my parents. Whenever anything of consequence happens, good or bad, one of the first people I talk to is my mom. This is really making be face some things I didn’t want to even think about for years.
I can say that all certainty that you will make it through when it happens. But I feel for you that it seems to be getting more realistic a worry. hugs.
[Tara R.] Zoeyj…. I know that when the time comes, my family will rally around, just like my cousin’s family did for him. It will be that that will keep me together.
My mom is 82 and can barey get around, she relies on my dad who turns 88.. Yeah, I totally get it. I’m an only child too.
[Tara R.] MP… I hope you have a strong group of family and friends to help you when you need them.
My parents and in-laws are in their 60’s – and they still seem so young to me.
I shudder at thinking about this topic… shudder.
[Tara R.] Jill… I always thought of my parents as young too… maybe it is that my getting older is more the issue.
My dad is pushing 70..and diabetic, and has neuropathy and Gout….and it IS scary!
Huge hugs Tara, i’m tearing up, for you. For us.
[Tara R.] Mom… as a little kid, I thought parents lived forever. I wonder what my own children think about regarding their dad and me.
You are now a step closer to being ready.
The therapeutic value of laying down your doubt is incalculable.
[Tara R.] xbox… I just have to look these fears in the face and talk with my parents about what they want when their time comes. I really am not sure.
I’m not ready to think about that. My parents are such a huge part of how I survive single parenthood that I just can’t go there yet. Luckily, they’re still very healthy – my dad is doing triathlons now because he got bored with marathons, which my mom still does. I can live in denial a bit longer.
I’ve been following your cuz’s blog since you pointed it out here. My thoughts are with all of you right now.
[Tara R.] April…. triathlons? marathons? Day-um! That is fantastic. It’s still hard to believe M’s mom and dad are so ill… it’s just surreal. Thanks for your well wishes, I’ll pass them on.
I worry about my parents, especially my mother, we aren’t at a good place in our relationship right now and although she is young, longevity does not run in her family (her parents died at 54 and 56, she will be 55 this year, I’m terrified).
I don’t think anyone is prepared for a death even if it is expected. You can’t predict what your life will be like without someone, you just deal with it when it comes your way and hopefully everything was left on good terms.
[Tara R.] Allie… I can still remember how hard it was for my dad when his mother died. His dad had passed several years earlier. I remember him crying (something he rarely did), and saying that he was now an ‘orphan.’ Tore me up!
Tara: I can empathize–went thru a similar turn when my folks started ailing. Daddy succumbed to a bad heart in 2003; his Bride (what he always called Mom) gradually faded away due to complications of Alzheimer’s and died in 2006. It’s harder, I think, when you have to face the mortality of 2 loved ones at once. The thing that brings me comfort, though, is knowing that Mom & Daddy are finally together again.
[Tara R.] Melissa B… I’m so sorry about your parents, but glad they are now at peace. I’m just stunned by the turn my aunt and uncle have taken.
Since your parents are not afraid of what’s coming, and you’ve already made your peace, then all you have left to do is enjoy your time with them. Life is precious. Take pictures, make memories, write notes and letters, tell stories. In short, LIVE!
God bless.
[Tara R.] Mike… I know in my head that is what makes sense, but in my heart I’m still a kid afraid of the dark.
Oh I agree… it is so hard to see our parents age. And I don’t think anyone is prepared for death.
One more thing. That picture. I love it. I just took one like it of my children.
[Tara R.] OHMommy… I think I was about 18 months and my brother couldn’t have been more than three. Love this photo too.
I think both of my parents are prepared for their own deaths, but were struck by the harsh realization that the two most constant people in their lives were now gone when their parents died. It was very hard on both of them.
That is such a sweet photo
It’s so difficult to even imagine losing a parent. I only see mine once or twice a year, and it pains me to see them age just a little in those lapses of time. I don’t think anyone is prepared to see their parents pass.
[Tara R.] Sandy… my parents live a long distance from me too and I don’t see them nearly as often as I would like. But, like you I’ve noticed how much they age in between those visits.
Everyone knows death is lurking out there, but somehow we’re still shocked when it gets close. My parents are just now 60 & little big things are starting to go wrong. I’m close to both & would…will…be devastated.
[Tara R.] Angela… I worry about both of my parents because they don’t take care of themselves as well as they should. My mom is getting better, but that was due mainly to the diabetes diagnosis. My dad… he pretty much does what he wants.
Girl, when the time comes, ready or not, you just do what you gotta do… you’ll do fine. I will advise you though, talk to them and make sure you know what their wishes are for the end, you might be surprised… (body farm still makes me shudder a little…)
[Tara R.] Cuz… that makes lots of sense. Gary told me one time he just wanted to be cremated and for us to throw a party. He threatened to come back and haunt us if we got all maudlin at some tired old funeral. He’d do it too. I think he would like going to the farm.
I do know how you feel, Tara. My parents are 65 and 71. My dad had a pretty major surgery in December for an abdominal aneurysm, and my mom has had some health issues too. It’s so scary and sobering.
[Tara R.] Cyndy… I think all this wouldn’t be so worrisome, if I lived closer to them. If anything were to happen, I’d be – at best – eight hours away. My cuz is right, though, the best thing is to just talk with them and find out what they want when that time comes.
My parents had us young and are therefore still young themselves (early 50’s). And for this, I am thankful because honestly, I couldn’t, even a little bit, face my parents mortality.
[Tara R] Nikki… my parents were both in their early 20s when they had my brother and me, so they were relatively young too. I don’t like this one bit.