Another tourist rant…

I’m not gonna lie. I live in paradise. Average temperatures, year round, hover somewhere close to 70-75. Even in the winter, which lasts for about six weeks here, it rarely dips below 30.  Spring time arrives in early Feburary and summer stretches through November. My kids have swum in these emerald green Gulf waters on Valentine’s Day.

Having said that, there is always some evil that lurks in paradise ~ snakes, forbidden fruit, wonton women or arrogant men, raging storms ~ or  tourists.

I’m not sure which I fear more, the hurricanes that can wreak havoc on the coastline, or tourists that will swarm over the beaches, roadways and shopping malls for the next four months of summer vacation.

There are warning signs for both storms. Hurricanes blow in announcing themselves with wind, rain and general mayhem. Tourist bring large cars packed with pastie-skin creatures hellbent on making life for locals as miserable as possible.

As June and July get into full swing, a simple trip to the store to pick up necessary groceries is a stroll through a Rand McNally atlas. Until school begins again in September, there will be more cars in parking lots and roadways with out-of-state tags than in. If you’re a practiced professional, you have laid in enough provisions to allow you to be self-sufficient for most of the summer season.

An easy commute of 25 minutes to and from work starts to drag on to nearly an hour. Turn signals are forgotten, traffic laws are broken, and normal people become stark, raving lunatics.

As more and more people crowd into the resorts and beach front condos, you start to see these… annoying little buggys that should never be street legal. Ridiculous toy cars that can only reach speeds of maybe 15 mph, and are so small you can’t see them in side or rearview mirrors. I’m just waiting for someone to drive up under my bumper. I’ll only know they’re there when they get stuck in my wheel well.

Here’s a beach tip: If you decide to take a trip to the Sunshine State this year, watch for flags … These flags are there to help tourist and locals. They signal how safe it is to go into the water. A green flag means all clear, and a yellow flag means there is some risk due to moderate surf or other conditions. If the flag is purple, dangerous marine life – jellyfish, sharks, even heavy seaweed – is present. Now, here is where it gets really important. Red means stop – there are rip tides or strong surf conditions and you shouldn’t go into the surf. Double red indicates the beach is closed.

No matter, red or double red, there will be some idiot beachgoers trying to get into the water. Not only are they risking their own lives, they are risking the lives of the lifeguards who are obligated to try to pull their dumb asses out of the rip tide that is carrying them out to open water. I know you’ve come a long way to visit the beach, but don’t come all this way to die or kill someone else. Pay attention!

I’m hoping that the high gas prices will keep the bulk of tourist home and I’ll get to enjoy the beach myself this year. I have a couple of long weekends coming up and I’d really like to get down to the shore sometime during the summer ~  and do something about my own pastie-white skin.